I used to think that I was kind of invincible, not the run into danger kind, but the overall belief that nothing really bad could ever happen to me. When I would hear or find out about other people going through things, I would think, "that kind of thing happens to other people, not me". I am generally healthy, I have had easy pregnancies and deliveries, and things have always had a way of working out. So I have never really worried about anything bad happening to me, until lately.
Suddenly things are different, I have a child with a chromosomal disorder so rare that there are only 8 born in this country a year. Suddenly the idea that rare things can happen to me is a reality. Suddenly I have found myself worrying about things that I would have never thought about a year ago.
Today Ella went to the zoo on a field trip with her class, as I packed her into her teacher's car and waved goodbye, I couldn't help but feel anxious. The whole morning there was a gnawing feeling that something bad could happen. What if she got in a car accident? What if the lions broke out of their cages and charged the kids (okay, I didn't really think this, but sometimes it does feel this silly)?
I hope I won't always feel this sense of anxiety when it comes to my kids and family, and I know that at some level it is normal, but worrying every time the kids get in to someone else's car? I will surely drive myself crazy. So I can only hope that this is just a phase, a stage that I will pass through, and eventually leave behind.
4 comments:
Maybe it is one of the stages of grief, like a link to acceptance that no one has discovered yet? I understand that feeling because I feel like I am on the same boat as you. I never use to have fears, or concerns but now there is this sure fact that Murphy's Law is just around the corner! That it too can happen to me for whatever reason, because it is life, because those things do just happen. Judy always said, if it is found in nature then it must be normal. I always liked that! Maybe it is something that just comes with age?!?
I think this is just a big part of being a mom. Sure, having a 5p- kid makes us realize that even rare things happen to us (I was always like you too, never thinking anything out of the ordinary would happen to me, I had a perfectly normal, even boring childhood.) I think that having children makes us sensitive to all the things that can go wrong and having a special-needs child probably makes that sensivity hyperactive. Maybe?
I never thought about this -- that your daughter's health conditions would affect your general trust in the simple path. I wonder if you have an incredible chance to teach your children that, while life *can't* be easy in the eternal nature of things, we can have hope in Who we trust.
I had to start thinking of it in a positive way...like I should start playing the lottery! ;) It takes a while...you'll get there.
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