This is my least favorite stage to be in and the stage that was the most constant. The other stages were more like flare ups, where I would have moments or days that would come and go, but depression was something that was around all of the time and it was the scariest stage to be in, because I didn't know how long it would last and I didn't know how painful it would feel.
Once we got the final results over the phone I began crying immediately. I crawled into bed and I literally sobbed for a few hours. At one point I thought to myself, "what is that loud bellowing sound", then I realized that it was me crying. Ella actually reminded me of this time the other day. She asked me if I remember the day I was really sad and I was crying because Lily was sick. She then reminded me that she thought it was her fault that Lily was sick and started to worry. I don't remember her expressing worry that she may have caused it, but I feel terrible that she had to witness all of this and worst that somehow she felt responsible for it.
Thats the thing about this kind of depression, it was almost an out of body experience. It was so intense and then of course it is mixed with all of the other stages, it was hard to even consider anything else going on, including my own kids. The first few days after that phone call were the hardest. There was a feeling of hopelessness and despair that I could not shake. I really didn't believe that I would ever be happy again and I could not see how we could ever return to any kind of normalcy.
Its hard to say when the feeling of constant depression ended, but every day got a little better and eventually some normalcy did return. There are still sad days and there are still moments of depression, but the intensity of those first few weeks have faded and eventually I was able to move into acceptance.