This is my least favorite stage to be in and the stage that was the most constant. The other stages were more like flare ups, where I would have moments or days that would come and go, but depression was something that was around all of the time and it was the scariest stage to be in, because I didn't know how long it would last and I didn't know how painful it would feel.
Once we got the final results over the phone I began crying immediately. I crawled into bed and I literally sobbed for a few hours. At one point I thought to myself, "what is that loud bellowing sound", then I realized that it was me crying. Ella actually reminded me of this time the other day. She asked me if I remember the day I was really sad and I was crying because Lily was sick. She then reminded me that she thought it was her fault that Lily was sick and started to worry. I don't remember her expressing worry that she may have caused it, but I feel terrible that she had to witness all of this and worst that somehow she felt responsible for it.
Thats the thing about this kind of depression, it was almost an out of body experience. It was so intense and then of course it is mixed with all of the other stages, it was hard to even consider anything else going on, including my own kids. The first few days after that phone call were the hardest. There was a feeling of hopelessness and despair that I could not shake. I really didn't believe that I would ever be happy again and I could not see how we could ever return to any kind of normalcy.
Its hard to say when the feeling of constant depression ended, but every day got a little better and eventually some normalcy did return. There are still sad days and there are still moments of depression, but the intensity of those first few weeks have faded and eventually I was able to move into acceptance.
5 comments:
Hi Brittany, I know this is kind of weird, but I found your blog from a friends and was curious because we have the same name :) My name is Britney Ericksen too!
Anyway, I thought I should at least say hi. You have a beautiful little family and you look/sound like a wonderful loving mother.
I think this would be the hardest stage- it just breaks my heart trying to understand how you felt. You're a great mom and I think there's actually a sixth stage:blessings! I feel like you will have such great blessings and joys from enduring through these five difficult stages. Love you.
Ohh Ella!!! What a tender and compassionate little soul! Only Ella would feel responsible for it... that part made me choke up.
I personally think it is great you did not repress any of this from your kids. That you did not find fear in sharing your emotions. You need time to process everything and processing it in front of your kids will teach them it is ok to feel their emotions and also teach them how to process.
I know depression can be so difficult, and painful. It is like living in a dark room with out any sun! As long as you can still let me have fun with you, then I know you are on the right path ahahahah.
You are very strong, I know a few people who just live in denial, literally never process anything for whatever reason. They believe it isn't as bad or that what good would it do to feel those emotions. That a part of being brave and strong is not having a vulnerable moment. I have very impressed and proud with the way you have managed everything. I also think we are very lucky to have had parents to give us the tools to be successful, especially in times like this! Thank you for sharing all of this. I think many people will be able to find comfort in these posts.
In this instance, I'm glad Olivia was my first so the others weren't around to see me fall apart...that had to be hard. Although they still see me fall apart occasionally and it really provides a good opportunity to talk about things..
This is one more time when I can be grateful that we didn't get Olivia's diagnosis until she was older. I never experienced the depression stage, perhaps because I'd already gotten to acceptance of her. I knew for so long that something was wrong that when we were finally able to put a name to it, I was just relieved that it was 'just' 5p-. What I mean by that is that I was just so, so relieved that she was what/who she was, she wasn't going to get worse, she wasn't going to get sicker, she was just going to get stronger and mroe amazing because we knew what we were facing. I'm so glad you're sharing all this with us, though, because people need to see that these feelings are so normal, so real.
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