Although I didn't actually go through the stages of grief in any particular order, I definitely experienced anger throughout the process, and even still to this day I can have my moments. The most interesting thing to me about anger was how illogical it could be. I was angry at all of the wrong (and sometimes strange) people. I was angry at anyone who had three or more "healthy" kids. I didn't understand how they managed to make it to three without any problems. Someone who had five or six kids? Well that just seemed cruel. I knew that this was not logical or fair, but I was angry and I needed someone to direct my anger towards.
Other times I found my self being angry at people who complained about small and insignificant troubles, or anyone who complained about their kids being hard to handle, or difficult. I wanted to yell and say, "you should feel lucky to have happy, healthy children".
But the thing that got my blood boiling more than anything, was when I would hear about pregnant women who were not taking care of themselves or their unborn babies. If I would hear a story in the news or through the grapevine about irresponsible women, I would think, "I would have done anything to have a healthy baby". I would have gained 100 pounds if I thought it could have prevented Lily from having CDC. Basically I felt angry at anyone who I didn't think fully appreciated how good they had it.
But probably my lowest point, the thing I feel most ashamed about, is the feeling that I did not deserve to be going through this, and I found myself being angry at other people who I thought did deserve this "trial" more than me. I know, LOW!
And even though at the time I knew all of these feeling were illogical, I couldn't help but feel the way I did, and I realized that I just had to be willing to go with it. To feel it. To submit to the anger.
Most importantly though, I had to make sure to keep my nasty feelings and snarky remarks to myself, so that I wouldn't say anything that I might later regret.
7 comments:
I just found your blog ... thank you for sharing your feelings honestly so that we can understand ...
Yes, you are right about the stages of grief not coming in any certain order. Anger is usually the hardest on the people that are trying to help. (especially if they aren't experiencing it at the time). Nothing about anger is "fair". But I completely agree with you in that it is important to let yourself go through it. Only when you do, can you actually give yourself permission to heal the pain.
Well I am sure I made you angry a few times and I am sorry. I can understand what you are saying and yes people need to be thankful for the good they have. me included. But I also think it is important to remember that no one has a perfect life. Everyone has their own trials, some are just not as obvious or seem as hard as one you are going through. And yes I know you are not mad at me anymore or if you ever were I am sure you got over it because of our friendship. I am thankful to have 3 healthy girls and I do not take it for granted. And I also am annoyed at people who do not take care of themselves when they are pregnant or take proper care of their children. Anyway I am rambling. Thanks for sharing your feelings even though I know it's mostly just for you I like knowing what you are going through.
Yes!!! All so interesting and true! I feel like I can relate too, not only cause Lils is my niece, but because I would do anything to be the voice of any unborn child who is in need. Like I had a friend who complained about her due date being moved further back and I said "Trust me, you would be pregnant for 5 years if you knew it would mean you would have a healthy and happy baby!!" I said that because I knew it is exactly how you feel. Go ahead... be angry!! Let it all consume you. And you made a good point to not have any regrets later, I need to think more before I act! Your great Brit!!! Lis is great, Mike is great and you two have a great family and marriage!
Oh my goodness, we need to talk! Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings!
Oooh, I so get that feeling of, "Why did they get to have two healthy kids?" That was me. My first was very, very healthy and I KNEW I got lucky but I didn't get why others managed to have two perfectly healhty kids and I didn't. I'm proud of your for just feeling the emotions and for still being able to keep your peace rather than go off on some unsuspecting soul. :-)
I still have my anger moments!! But at least it's just moments now and not days or weeks. ;)
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