The bargaining stage is probably the stage that I spent the least amount of time in. There was about a 4-6 week period where we were waiting to get the official answer on Lily's diagnosis and during this time I prayed. I prayed day and night, I begged and I pleaded that Lily would not have this chromosomal disorder. I promised to do anything if only Lily would be okay. The first time I read my scriptures during this period, I read the scripture, "Father if it is Your will, take this cup away from Me; nevertheless, not My will, but Yours be done". Luke 22:42.
From the time I read that scripture, somewhere inside I knew that I had little say in what was going to happen with Lily, but it didn't keep me from hoping, from begging for a different outcome. If I thought there was anything that I could do to change the results, I would have gladly done it.
I remember seeing Michael Douglas on the cover of People magazine talking about having cancer and my mom mentioned how sad that was. I responded to that by saying that I would take me having cancer over Lily having CDC any day of the week. Of course looking back, I realize that may have been a little rash, but at the time I would have made that deal, if I could have.
Once we received the tests results most of my attempts at bargaining ended, but even now there are days that I still think to myself, I would have done anything to have a healthy baby.
3 comments:
I understand this so much more than you probably know.
I totally forgot about this stage. It sorta sounds like survivor guilt. I totally understand what you mean, it is amazing how in our religion we believe in the law of sacrifice and I think the moment we {woman} find out we are expecting we are literally willing to sacrifice anything! And you being her mom, you would... you would absolutely do anything! That is why you are Lils mom and no one else! She truly deserves you in every way!
Thank you so much for these blogs. One of my new friends is the mom of a special needs child, and your words have helped me to understand her better.
I was hoping to ask you a question -- is there any chance you could email me at my address attached to this?
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